Everyone wants a positive and healthy relationship with their surrogate, but is there a right kind of surrogate relationship? Since every person and every surrogacy case is unique, we believe that there isn’t a standard way you have to relate to your surrogate. There are so many different ways to cultivate a relationship, but the best ones are developed naturally over the course of the surrogacy process. If you’re curious about the different options you have for building a positive bond with your surrogate, read on for advice from Family Creations.
1. Like Family
Some surrogate relationships are so close, that the intended parents and surrogate are nearly like family. Whether you bond immediately, or it takes a little while for everyone to get warmed up, a familial bond is not uncommon. If you’re noticing that this isn’t the type of connection that’s growing between yourself and your surrogate, that’s okay. Don’t force a relationship that doesn’t feel natural. It’s also normal for one intended parent to feel closer to the surrogate than another.
Staying Connected
After the birth of the child, many couples who have developed a familial connection with their surrogate want to maintain a close surrogate relationship. Some intended parents visit their surrogate so frequently throughout the pregnancy that it feels natural to continue the friendship post-birth as well. While in some cases the surrogate lives nearby and is easy to visit, at other times, they live in a different state or country, and you can continue your relationship through video messaging or text. These types of relationships often result in the child knowing all about the surrogacy and circumstances of their birth.
2. Like Friends
Many people enter surrogacy hoping to find the right family to help. Some see the intended parents’ profile and know right away that these are the people that they can make so happy with their surrogacy. In these types of situations, surrogates and intended parents discover that they have a lot in common and develop a tight-knit relationship. Finding common ground is one of the best ways to build a surrogate relationship as friends. You can explore the intended parent and surrogate profiles to ensure you have similar ideas, upbringing, and life experiences.
Just Occasional Updates
Whether it’s the choice of the surrogate or the intended parents, there are times when a close connection doesn’t continue after the birth of the baby. If you realize that this is the type of surrogate relationship that is developing naturally, let it! You can keep the surrogate updated with monthly or yearly photos of your child, but it’s not always a necessary part of the bond that you share.
Many surrogates just want to help intended parents with minimal strings attached. Once you’ve noticed that this is what’s happening, it’s a good idea to check in with your surrogate and see what they want out of this connection. Ask them if they want updates or continued communication to ensure they’re happy with the way your friendship has evolved.
3. Like Business Partners
There are situations where both the surrogates and intended parents prefer to develop a surrogate relationship that’s more like a business partnership. Neither party wants a meaningful or lasting connection, and that’s OK! As long as both sides respect the needs of the other and communicate about the most important elements of the surrogacy process, you can still count on a healthy and positive relationship.
Cutting Ties
In cases where there is no emotional connection between intended parents and surrogates, neither want to continue any sort of bond post-birth. As you experience this journey, don’t feel guilty if you don’t feel like your surrogate relationship has developed into anything other than a partnership. After the child is born, parents pull away because they’re so wrapped up in taking care of a new baby that they can’t spare any attention for outside relationships. Most surrogates are very understanding and will reach out if they want an update. Keep things cordial if they contact you, and let them know your wishes about communication as soon as possible.
What’s Right For You
Figuring out what’s right for you as intended parents and what’s right for your child is the only thing that should matter to you. From ultra-close familial ties to surrogates who leave your life as soon as the baby is born, any type of surrogate relationship is healthy as long as everyone knows that the ultimate goal is to bring a new child into this world.
Have more questions about surrogacy or egg donors? Reach out to Family Creations today!